January felt like it came with a side of flaming poo. Anyone else feel that way? Post holiday blahs, the crush of all our family birthdays spilling out weekly starting mid-month, the absolute worst weather of the year – add in omicron and it all combined to feel like a tidal wave of blahs that made me want to hibernate till March at the earliest.

If you’ve followed me on instagram for a while you know I don’t shy away from real life, from my personal struggles. Keeping these things behind closed doors gives them power they don’t deserve. I don’t talk about it in an effort to gain pity but to normalize what I deal with and what a LOT of others deal with, perhaps without the confidence to not let these things define them. Namely, I suffer from major depressive disorder, an underactive thyroid, and PCOS. These are things I’ve dealt with for ages now (15 yrs, 20 yrs, and 30 yrs respectively) and for the most part am in a maintenance game. Writing them down like this makes them seem so BIG but I honestly don’t feel like someone with chronic illness most of the time. I see my doctors regularly and I know the signs to reach out in between check ups if something is off.

Well, on top of January’s flaming poo, something hasn’t been right. Saw my lady doc yesterday (after a pleasant run of 5-6 years where things worked reasonably well for the first time in my life) and while I didn’t get any definite answers, we did rule a few big things out, came up with a couple things to try, and did blood work. Blood work back today and Ta-Da! Looks like I’m anemic. Don’t you love when you find out something is *wrong*? I think that’s a feeling many of us who deal with chronic conditions have when there’s a change. It’s not always sadness that there’s something else wrong on top of everything else – finding there’s a reason for a change in symptoms or side effects feels like winning. If I’m anemic that explains the exhaustion and feeling too often the past few months like I’ve been hit by a truck.

And while all that has sucked, it makes me feel a little bit proud of myself that I’ve gotten as much done this month as I have – building this website, learning a ton about SEO and sole proprietorships, closing out all of 2021’s spreadsheets and projects, booking a few spring jobs as well as doing a couple shoots already. Suddenly feeling overwhelmed and like I’m not doing enough (imposter syndrome always lurks in the background too) has flipped and I’m feeling confident that I did get enough done and maybe I’m doing OK after all. So we’ll be adding iron supplements into my daily routine. And sounds like an excuse to go get some steaks to grill for dinner this weekend. And as a reminder, BE KIND. Truly. You never know what someone might be going through. On the surface I may appear to be a fairly average chubby working professional with a side of parenthood and pandemic anxiety, but the stuff under the surface is still always there even if the world can’t see it.