Oof, we’re already 16 days into the new year and I’m just starting to feel like I’m able to get shit together. If you follow me on instagram or facebook you saw we were some of the Southwest Airlines refugees who got stuck in Texas for three whole extra days. Thankfully we had a place to stay, and Southwest gave us a ton of points per person and we got a refund for our extra incurred costs (rental car, extra meals out, pain and suffering). It was hard because all our festive activities and plans ended on the 26th and we were to fly out that night. But we didn’t. So the 27th hit and the baby cousins left at the crack of dawn to drive back to their home state. BIL, SILs, and my husband all had work planned for that day. I was consumed by anxiety of “will that flight on thursday night actually happen?” as Southwest was *still* cancelling flights daily. But then I was having to act all cool because my middle schooler was freaked out too. And my high schooler was missing all her winter swim training sessions. By the time we did get home late late late on thursday night, we were mentally and physically exhausted. Lots of folks on our flight had also been booted from a flight earlier in the week. The kids were thrilled when they realized we still had our christmas presents at home to open and we tackled that at 11pm when we arrived. Then the next thing you knew it was New Years Even and back to school on the 3rd and winter break was over. No fun activities with friends were had, no baking together, no trips to the ice rink, no shopping to spend gift cards. Hard start back to school and winter swim and end of semester activities that have kept everyone busy.

But mama hasn’t been OK. I know this is my photography page, and those blog is mostly photo stuff, but my life is also defined by my mental health. It’s a major player in my day to day. As someone who deals with chronic illness (I don’t like to say “suffers” because it’s all shit that is more annoying than painful) and Major Depressive Disorder, the let down of endorphins plus lack of sunshine in Mid-Atlantic winters has made me into a puddle of ennui that can barely get anything done. The kids are fed and homework is dealt with and taxi duties are done but beyond that the house and my life are quite literally falling apart. It’s fun. Insomnia wakes me in the middle of the night and then I struggle to go back to sleep, often ending up on the couch with some NPR on low to try and distract my brain and lull me back to sleep. Then I get kids to early morning swim and/or school, lunches made, etc. and then back to bed for three hours. Why can I sleep from 9am – noon so incredibly well? Like the best deepest sleep I get – even if I fall asleep OK, it’s not the delicious deep sleep of that late morning nap. I can get a few hours of productivity in before the kids are home and then it’s putting on my “productive mom face” and keeping it together for them. Especially the middle schooler who is dealing with her own mental health issues that I won’t get into here because they are her problems. But as the mama bear I am, I’m spending a lot of emotional energy on her and it drains my own depleated batteries.

All this to say, I’m really really glad I always take January (and usually most of February) off. Phew.