As always, as a neurodivergent perimenopausal women trying to make a living without working in a cubicle ever again, I struggle with EVERYTHING. Imposter syndrome is rife in a world where I run my business by my gut and not how “they” think a small photography business is “supposed” to work. Because I do things how I think they should be done, it means I also second guess everything. Why? Who knows. A nervous system that’s run off so much cortisol since I was a child that it’s now in bubbling volcano levels probably. There’s a LOT that goes on behind the scenes that people don’t see.

• I use my abilities on the computer to make my shoots as short and painless as possible for everyone.
• In a 20 min session I’m averaging a minimum of 20 unique images. Some families (especially with more kids) might get 30. Those are impressive numbers for a quick session when you look at it like that! One image a minute! One every .75 seconds! Yet I still feel like I’m not delivering enough.
• Part of my job in making your shoot easy includes culling your images for you. I could give you 7 almost identical pics of one pose or just pick the one image that I feel is best – even if that image is actually 2 or 3 stitched together to make sure everyone is looking the right way with open eyes and their best smiles.
• Another thing people doesn’t see is all the stuff I edit out that goes beyond stray hairs and acne. Things like nipples, dad nipples, little girl nipples, underwear, bra straps, gaping shirt buttons, holes in your clothes, the rectangle in men’s pockets when they don’t take their phones out, lipstick on teeth, boogers, drool, food in your teeth, temporary tattoos, scrapes, eye boogers, my god, you all have no idea sometimes!
• But it’s the human side of my business that makes me want to do all that editing for you instead of pointing it out at/during our shoot if I don’t have to – I want you coming in confident and ready even if you are a hot mess! I’ve got you! And your family that’s barely pulling it together but the only thing grandma wants for Christmas is new pics for her mantel of how the kids have grown.
• And it’s this attachment to you all that makes me take this business too personally. I get worried if a regular client doesn’t show up on my calendar. I’ll summon all my courage (because I hate confrontation and hate being pushy but also genuinely care) to email you and see what I can do to make it happen. That was really hard this year as I had to set personal boundaries to not achieve burnout like the last couple years. I couldn’t get everyone in who wanted to which really upsets me.
• This year was also hard w/the gov shutdown that I know prevented a few folks from scheduling. And some family illnesses. And kids getting older so yearly pics are *so annoying, mom* and maybe its time to switch to less frequent shoots. I get that.
• Life is hard and messy and I’ve seen it all. I am thankful I am a trusted professional in enough cases that I’ve gotten little secrets slipped to me before many a shoot. To understand if a vibe is off it’s because mom and dad aren’t living together but coparenting best they can. Or a family member has a new diagnosis that’s freaking out the kids. Even a kid who is just using new pronouns. There’s all sorts of things I’ve been privy to and I’m grateful I am trusted enough. I think of you all as something between a friend and a proud auntie because I love seeing your families bloom, too.
• And despite caring so deeply, I still sometimes feel like I’m pretending to be a grownup. Vulnerability here: I’ve said stupid shit sometimes because I’m honestly better with kids than adults. And I’m the kind of person who will dwell on those episodes for the rest of my life because that’s just how my brain works. I am truly an awkward turtle and with perimenopause my brain has gotten worse. I think I’ve been trying for my entire life to fit in that those masking techniques are wearing thin from over use. There’s hints of autism in my little spicy little brain that I’m working through with my psychologist. Might not get an official diagnosis (because $$$) but it helps explain a lot. Decades of a lot. Little me, the only girl in her advanced math class in elementary school needs a big hug kind of a lot.
• AND…I’ve written about all of this before. I hate that I obsess over this kind of thing. I wish I had the confidence to just exist and do without so much damn second guessing about all of it. My therapist is proud of me. I’m working on so many things. My psychologist has helped fine tune medication the past year that has done a world of good. I grieve the fact that I will never just be able to “be,” though.

So here we are. The end of another fall season in sight. I’m down to 4 more families to edit so I’ll definitely make my self-imposed “by thanksgiving” deadline. Two more to shoot this weekend – families and college kids in town who aren’t concerned with making holiday card deadlines. There will be one or two more of those over winter break as well. Then a quiet January and February. Studio art time. Creative recovery. Tackling home projects I’ve put off since summer. Deep Breaths.